Remembering Rachel

While I cannot began to describe the joy I feel each day when I see the faces of my two little boys, it's impossible to put into words the deep sadness I felt three years ago today. With the births of all my babies I left the hospital empty armed. With two of them, though, I left knowing that my babies were in good hands, were being well cared for, and that eventually I would bring them home. With Rachel I left with the knowledge that I will never see her again in this life.

About 5 months after Rachel was born we were asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting on adversity. (I should mention that at the time we were about 3 weeks pregnant with the twins. No one knew it but us.) The thing is anyone could give a talk on it because none of us are free from trials. But it caused me to reflect on some of the trials I'd had in my life and how I was able to deal with them and come out better (hopefully) in the end. At that time our loss was still too fresh in my mind to share much detail about without completely losing it at the podium. Time is a great healer.

About a month ago I received an email from a friend of a friend of friend- something like that. She was going through almost EXACTLY what we did with Rachel. Her little boy had hydronephrosis, his kidneys were bad and causing the lungs to be underdeveloped, he had no amniotic fluid left, and she would be delivering him early with the expectation that he would not live for long. She asked me for suggestions, ideas, and help. Initially I broke down crying because I knew EXACTLY what she was going through and what she had coming for her and her husband. But it caused me to reflect on that experience and ask myself, "How DID I get through it?"

Number one is the knowledge I have of the gospel and the plan of salvation. I have no idea what I would do without the knowledge that I can see my mom again and to hold Rachel in my arms one day. The outpouring of love from family, friends, our ward, and even people I had never met, helped give me the strength I didn't have at that time. We may not know what to do to help a friend during a challenging time but it doesn't need to be anything big. I remember the RS president bringing over a Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I remember going on walks in the morning with a very busy friend who just let me talk. I remember the new RS President (there was a change about a week before she was born) bringing over a binder of Church quotes/talks/information she had copied off about the Spirit World, death, adversity, etc. I remember the many ward members who took the time to help organize a funeral, speak at it, perform music, and just be there. I remember the ward fast for Rachel in the hopes there would be a miraculous turnaround. But one of the things at the top of the list is the sacrifice of a very special cousin of mine who left two young children, flew here for 3 days, listened to me whine and cry, cleaned my house, did laundry, made cookies, cooked like crazy, and just be here for me. She has no idea how much that meant to me and it is something I think about- a lot.

Another thing that helped me was to keep a gratitude journal. From the day we learned she would not live I began keeping a gratitude journal. Some days I could barely think of one thing and it was usually lame like, 'I'm grateful for the sky,' or 'I'm grateful for socks' and sometimes I had to ask Steve. But as time went on it became easier and I began to realize that despite losing a piece of my heart, there are still things to be thankful for.

From the time Rachel was born pink roses have been a reminder of her in our lives. Last night Steve brought home a dozen pink roses that have been on our kitchen counter all day to remind us of this special day three years ago. Last night for FHE we brought out some pictures of Rachel, the dress she once wore, and a quilt I had made for her. We told the boys about their very special sister, where she is, and that they would one day see her. I'm not sure how much they actually learned but it was a great reminder for us. I am grateful for Rachel and to know that she is very much a part of our family.